If I were writing for a weekly local rag I would begin with: "Local funnyman, Dave Morris proves that less-is-MORE-is with his new very short stories..." But this is no local rag, this is a website for discerning surfers, so I make with the earnest blurbery.
Comedian homies have been lighting up the net this week. For Monday, take a break and dig in to the 140 character or less very short stories by British Columbian poet, lover, actor, teacher, smoker, friend, rapper, beatbox and storyteller "Sweet Sweet Dave Morris."
Here's my favourite, I'd call it "Landing Your Dreams" which would also be good if it were about a skateboarder, but it's about a sea captain, Dave:
"The sea was a swell of seaweed and salt, when the captain finished the rum. Like the sea, he could not be tamed. Like the waves, he crashed."
Good Afternoon gang. Everyone excited for the weekend? Good. Nice, nice. I know I am.
My cousin Tidy reminded me of this today as she facebook tweeted that "her life has become Office Space" You can watch the clip in a second, but first...
Friday is about the classics. Every Friday is an INSTANT classic. If you work Friday nights, let that gig be temporary. The world turns that bit better on the weekend.
Admittedly, my day job is the following two clips.
I'm not ripping Trout Mask Replica, Safe As Milk or any of that other awesomely titled Captain Beefheart shit (wow, this guy is good, max effort and Sunday bests curse word choices), but this list of his has me bugging out like "Ohhh yeah." Yes, that was just journalism what you read back there. It's called a "lede:"
Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing
1. Listen to the birds. That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.
2. Your guitar is not really a guitar Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.
3. Practice in front of a bush Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen't shake, eat another piece of bread.
4. Walk with the devil Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. Never point your guitar at anyone Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.
7. Always carry a church key That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty-making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.
8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.
9. Keep your guitar in a dark place When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.
10. You gotta have a hood for your engine Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.
As the Iced Canes NHL season is almost over, expect a rise in both hockey and humour in this end of the internet.
King Dube sent me a video that is way too rude for this family site (it involved unprotected bumsex, hockey and an ambiguously trangendered barfly), but here's one that is short and hilarious.
Last night's Juno Awards (Canadian Grammy's/Canadian Bafta's for Music) are being hailed as a major victory for Vancouver because Nickelback won everything and they cut to many shots of Sarah Mcglauchlan, Brian Adams and Mike Buble. They are tugging Vancouver's wagon around in the media, happy that Canadian music chose to celebrate mediocrity.
For the record. This blog is owned by residents of Vancouver Island. Proudly making fun of Nickleback since circa 1997.
A salute to mediocre records sheathed in amazing artwork.
Y&T - Down For The Count (1985)
The record was a rushed, soft eighties hair metal effort, but...the cover is Dracula on a downtown balcony about to sink his teeth into a sexy lady robot.
Here's the best work of art ever made about vampires:
Hey readers. The epic Gordon Lightfoot/Harlequin romance post got cut by the censors. Weak. Sorry about that. It was the Johnny Cash cover mp3 of "If You Could Read My Mind" that offended them.
It would be a shame for the record biz to lose the sale of one mp3 by a struggling artist like Johnny Cash.
I've been compiling music of the 1930's for a theatrical production. It's awesome to spend time with my homies Bingo and Fats, but I still find myself walking around the house going "elevator!"
Things have been busy over here, coming back to life.
I've been writing jokes and jokes and jokes and remembered how hilarious this show is. Fully worth the thirty minutes of your laptop/phone/desktop's life.
"Time Trumpet" episode 1. Devised by Armando Ianucci
Michael Ian Black Reviewed Charles Manson. Here's a clip:
"For forty years, Charles Manson has been America’s pre-eminent bogeyman, the guy we turned to when we got sick of Oprah and just wanted a lil’ Evil. And for all that time, he’s given us exactly what we asked for: eye rolling, finger wagging, head twitching, mouth frothing. For forty years, the guy couldn’t open his mouth without something creepy falling out.
He was the Cal Ripken Jr. of crazy.
Now though, he’s in his mid-seventies, long past the age when most nutjobs hang up their straitjackets, and it’s clear his heart just isn’t in it anymore."
FYI, movie buffs, The Ben Stiller Show was co-created by Judd Apatow of "Freaks and Geeks" superfame and had "Scary Movie 2's" David Cross on the writing staff.
Here are a few folk songs by pre-rampage Charles Manson.
"Sick City" is a tight, strange, antsy, frustrated downtown folk burner. The point being that most people just watch TV and drink their beer, and that this pattern of behaviour is not positive. You can hear how much fun they're having. Silly hippies, a few bad trips down the road from mass murder. Plus when he sings "sick, sick, sick" it totally sounds like "6-6-6." You don't even need to play the mp3 backwards.
"Don't Do Anything Illegal" by Charles Manson with the title so ironic I laughed aloud. It expresses much dissatisfaction with always needing to have ID. On this issue I agree with Charlie.
I was looking for photos of Dave Manson in a Jets jersey, they all sucked, but I found this. They cover LOTS of ice, if you need to defend hockey fights with the "Waltz Defense(c)" this would be good evidence.
Then I found a site that breaks down most of the major players in the history of hockey. In piss-poor, borderline embarassing fucking English.
Charles Manson would not be scared of Dave Manson, he might even say "Ok, you're a goon, but what's a goon to a GOBLIN.
In case any of you kids were thinking about murder as a career path, remember:
Breaking into HIS house and killing HER! That is so wrong. No matter how mad you get at the man, the sheep, the cops, the judge, the boss, the prof, the system, the jocks, the bus, the taxman, the gasman or the fast man...
Do not murder. Imagine how dope their kids would've been...
"A wise man looks upon men as he does on horses; all their comparisons of title, wealth, and place, he consider but as harness." Robert Cecil
This video's been around for weeks, and Rick Ross is in the news every day, getting dissed for doing drug raps and secretly having once worked as a jail guard.
This space has never been for those that consume the day something drops and leave it forever. We have the patience to let flashes in the pan turn into full blown hallucinations. It's called discerning taste. It is replete in the following video.
I present Rick Ross in a love song with big drums, for spring 2009:
Sure we are all feeling good. However, there is so much work to do. There is no difference between being led and being driven (to a horse).
Do you also scour the internet for dancing songs with badass horn parts in them? Is the lack of dance songs with badass horn parts a silent bother? Do you always need more?
Big homie (seriously dude is six foot seven) Sinclair sent me the embedded video. It's a promo for his band Hoggwash who are pioneers in the "slop rock" genre. I've rehearsed with them, they rule.
Imagine a less-talented Primus drunkenly trying to morph into The Talking Heads but getting impatient and taking space steroids to facilitate the process, but accidentally taking earth steroids and entering a high school talent show in an 80's comedy.
I remember when Dancing Gabe had a crew, and they all dressed as Elvis, and sat in the nosebleeds. I go so far back with this dude that he told my Aunt he had a crush on her at the Glenlawn Collegiate 300 Year Anniversary Spectacular @ the Pantages Play House Theatre. That was circa 2000. Damn hometown, bring the weather up and call me back already:
By the way, check (204) DANCEFLOORS forever to see these perfected. No offense Gabe, but you're bigger than the Moose, Bombers and Youtube - to the imitators.
Go Bombers, don't even get me started on hating the Vancouver media pre-season coverage. Let's just say I do an Earthquake Dance and Tsunami Chant.
"BC Sucks" -Traditional Winnipeg Sports Chant
EDIT
King Dube rights in with an update (laaaaate night). Apparently masterminded by the homeboy Harvest who miraculously escaped grade 12 at that school on his jumpshot, moxie, devlish charm and scratch golf scores. Honestly.
