Eat Another Piece of Bread

I'm not ripping Trout Mask Replica, Safe As Milk or any of that other awesomely titled Captain Beefheart shit (wow, this guy is good, max effort and Sunday bests curse word choices), but this list of his has me bugging out like "Ohhh yeah." Yes, that was just journalism what you read back there. It's called a "lede:"

Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing

1. Listen to the birds.
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar Your guitar is a divining rod.
Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key
That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty-making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.

8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

LORETTA LYNN - Have Mercy (Produced by Jack White)

Shout out to stringed instruments, I'd blog paragraphs more, but, you know:

Rock is dumb.

Chuckles

Michael Ian Black Reviewed Charles Manson. Here's a clip:

"For forty years, Charles Manson has been America’s pre-eminent bogeyman, the guy we turned to when we got sick of Oprah and just wanted a lil’ Evil. And for all that time, he’s given us exactly what we asked for: eye rolling, finger wagging, head twitching, mouth frothing. For forty years, the guy couldn’t open his mouth without something creepy falling out.

He was the Cal Ripken Jr. of crazy.

Now though, he’s in his mid-seventies, long past the age when most nutjobs hang up their straitjackets, and it’s clear his heart just isn’t in it anymore."

Read the rest @ "Manson - Not Handsome"

Here's a video Michael Ian Black stole from youtube.com, we're stealing it back...



By the way. I wouldn't know about this without the tip from:

twitter.com/jaypeecue from @MichaelIanBlack.



"Manson" a film from The Ben Stiller Show

FYI, movie buffs, The Ben Stiller Show was co-created by Judd Apatow of "Freaks and Geeks" superfame and had "Scary Movie 2's" David Cross on the writing staff.



Here are a few folk songs by pre-rampage Charles Manson.

"Sick City" is a tight, strange, antsy, frustrated downtown folk burner. The point being that most people just watch TV and drink their beer, and that this pattern of behaviour is not positive. You can hear how much fun they're having. Silly hippies, a few bad trips down the road from mass murder. Plus when he sings "sick, sick, sick" it totally sounds like "6-6-6." You don't even need to play the mp3 backwards.

CHARLES MANSON - Sick City

"Don't Do Anything Illegal" by Charles Manson with the title so ironic I laughed aloud. It expresses much dissatisfaction with always needing to have ID. On this issue I agree with Charlie.

CHARLES MANSON - Don't Do Anything Illegal

I was looking for photos of Dave Manson in a Jets jersey, they all sucked, but I found this. They cover LOTS of ice, if you need to defend hockey fights with the "Waltz Defense(c)" this would be good evidence.



Then I found a site that breaks down most of the major players in the history of hockey. In piss-poor, borderline embarassing fucking English.

http://winnipegjetslegends.blogspot.com/
http://www.greatesthockeylegends.com/

Check it oooooooot.

Charles Manson would not be scared of Dave Manson, he might even say "Ok, you're a goon, but what's a goon to a GOBLIN.



In case any of you kids were thinking about murder as a career path, remember:

Breaking into HIS house and killing HER! That is so wrong. No matter how mad you get at the man, the sheep, the cops, the judge, the boss, the prof, the system, the jocks, the bus, the taxman, the gasman or the fast man...

Do not murder. Imagine how dope their kids would've been...