GOOD GRAVY Galloping Gophers (gorilla grapes)

As seen on TWITTER

GG is what some of our female and otherwise readership have been caught using to describe their newest favouritest show of all time ever: "Gossip Girls" or as it's more accurately called: "The Hills Sex In The OC 90210 Howser MD CitYPD Blueossom"

DISCLAIMER: The next bit of this blog post is for people who DO NOT watch The Gossip Girls. If you're a person who needs a weekly fix of TV about rich people fucking and lying and pretending to change, then fine, skip to the youtubes.

GOSSIP GIRL TRUTH ALERT BELOW!

____________________________________________________________________________________

I watched some Gossip Girl. Here's the scoop, so you know why you're not watching it:

It is poorly written and acted. It makes Lost look like Short Cuts, The Sopranos like Goodfellas. Plus they REALLY rip-off "Sex in the City" while the corpse of its legacy is still warm from the tanning bed. Imagine a show set on an island told through flashbacks, the year after "The Lost Movie" gets panned worldwide.

The real "GG" pushed me down a youtube rabbit hole for an hour tonight...here's some Grilling It TV:







Sorry to all the Indians who watched the last clip. Also, to fans of television, please don't be offended that in the British pre-make of the ABC hit "The Office" they called Jim: "Tim." Both names are awesome, just like Indians.

Update From The Wiz

MAN IN PREVIOUS POST...

NOT A REAL WIZARD!

Festive Police Zap Wizard

I probably would've been watching a band, rushing to a stage, or in a beverage line instead of peeping some stripping wizard. Regardless...this video is far out. The dude yelling "Freedom of speech holmes" is missing the point that you can't really show a crowd of people your wedding tackle at a Hullabalooza with a thick police presence.

Still, I'm shocked (no pun intended-o) that the fuzzles would so gratuitously taze someone who was non-violent and didn't run away. In Vancouver, when they do that, the perp dies.

One schmohawk gawker starts yelling "The world is watching" as if that's going to un-tazer the nude mage. The thick neck Oakley jock cop is going to go: "Oh really, this will be on youtube? I just wanna give a shout out to all the boys at Precinct 518! Hi Mom, how's the lumbago? Honey, just put my stroganoff in the oven on low, I'll have it when I get this nude wizard that I just assaulted processed at the station..."

Take a look:


Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

The pan across the front row of staring, placid, festival goers was even creepier than the miniscule johnson on the spellcaster.

STILL

Wizards dispense electricity not receive it. In my world, they still do.

Awaiting a take from our resident Wizard in the comment section.

PUBLIC ENEMY - Long and Whining Road

A part of me cries out that a Ras Trent wizard like that was neglecting the haze of fog and smoke and the flowing garments in which Wizards are customarily found...for a reason...

You Don't Really Care For Music, Do Ya?

If you read this site on the regular, you know how we feel about OLD ROCKERS

Tonight...The real poet laureate of Canada comes to my Island, and I am pumped.

I can't wait to sing, "Take me toooooo the slaughterhouse, I will waaaaaaait there with the laaaaaambs!" With mother, of course.

Just A Minute

Preview of things to come. Like a preview of Matrix 12, or Ladybugs 2.

Sinclair's one-minute Beverly Hills Cop, or as I call it:

Bananas Hills Cop



THE HOOSIER HOT SHOTS - We Love Bananas Because They Have No Bones

Handle Money, Drive A Car

Respect to computer wizard Ghostdad for this very good video. Grilling It Video Entertainment up in full effect when there's something to promote.


RRROLL IT! from Ghostdad on Vimeo.

Long Weekend

Good Friday is an anagram of "I For Dog Day"



Happy Holidays and Long Weekend to my Jews, and wasp or otherwise lovers of chocolate and brunch with varying degrees of Jesus in their past (or who will sit through an hour of anything for their Grandmother).

"Jesus died for somebody's sins...but not mine"
-Patti Smith

PATTI SMITH - GLORIA

The Mingus CAT-alog

Bass legend Charles Mingus created a manual for the toilet training of cats. His cat was apparently named "Nightlife" which is an unassailably awesome name for a cat. Give it a read below, it has gold like this in it:

"When he jumps up he will not be afraid of the hole because he expects it. At this point you will realize that you have won. The most difficult part is over."

The Charles Mingus CAT-alog



If I had a cat I would name it Lance Dubowitz or maybe CC. I like naming pets after humans, and specifically after your buddies. The Wiz (bad name for a pet cause of pee) had a dog growing up named Howard, and Howard was one of his Dad's buddies. Everytime you go to your buddies place, the pet is named after you. You see how well this works, dear reader. Good clean fun for troubled times.



At 3:00 in the following video, Jeru rolls a Mingus sample beat by Primo down the hill and into the river.

RFUS II

Internet Music is a fountain of nostalgia. Put both hands and ears in this spray of classics and driiiiiink. Jams fromt he 1990's that will sound good until your nineties.

Radio Friendly Unit Shifter 09'



Brought to you by the radtastic daily must read @ Mishka

Briefing

If I were writing for a weekly local rag I would begin with: "Local funnyman, Dave Morris proves that less-is-MORE-is with his new very short stories..." But this is no local rag, this is a website for discerning surfers, so I make with the earnest blurbery.

Comedian homies have been lighting up the net this week. For Monday, take a break and dig in to the 140 character or less very short stories by British Columbian poet, lover, actor, teacher, smoker, friend, rapper, beatbox and storyteller "Sweet Sweet Dave Morris."

Here's my favourite, I'd call it "Landing Your Dreams" which would also be good if it were about a skateboarder, but it's about a sea captain, Dave:

"The sea was a swell of seaweed and salt, when the captain finished the rum. Like the sea, he could not be tamed. Like the waves, he crashed."

Dave's Very Short Stories

That Extemporaneous Impious Nu-Tv

My homeboy Legalese throwing it, for the Sunday set.



The Improv Monologue Project

Krispy Kreme in Victoria Station is an oasis in the arrid survival-based rush of London communting.

Do You Feel?

Mischevious or pious or impious...impish, even...

FEELING WELL!

The Weekend needs JAM

JESSE ROSE - Well Now

GO DEEEEEEEEEP!

Kicking It Like We Think It's Dead!

Good Afternoon gang. Everyone excited for the weekend? Good. Nice, nice. I know I am.

My cousin Tidy reminded me of this today as she facebook tweeted that "her life has become Office Space" You can watch the clip in a second, but first...



Friday is about the classics. Every Friday is an INSTANT classic. If you work Friday nights, let that gig be temporary. The world turns that bit better on the weekend.



Admittedly, my day job is the following two clips.





First weekend in April 2009, let's do this:

Eat Another Piece of Bread

I'm not ripping Trout Mask Replica, Safe As Milk or any of that other awesomely titled Captain Beefheart shit (wow, this guy is good, max effort and Sunday bests curse word choices), but this list of his has me bugging out like "Ohhh yeah." Yes, that was just journalism what you read back there. It's called a "lede:"

Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing

1. Listen to the birds.
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar Your guitar is a divining rod.
Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key
That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty-making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.

8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

LORETTA LYNN - Have Mercy (Produced by Jack White)

Shout out to stringed instruments, I'd blog paragraphs more, but, you know:

Rock is dumb.