GOOD GRAVY Galloping Gophers (gorilla grapes)

As seen on TWITTER

GG is what some of our female and otherwise readership have been caught using to describe their newest favouritest show of all time ever: "Gossip Girls" or as it's more accurately called: "The Hills Sex In The OC 90210 Howser MD CitYPD Blueossom"

DISCLAIMER: The next bit of this blog post is for people who DO NOT watch The Gossip Girls. If you're a person who needs a weekly fix of TV about rich people fucking and lying and pretending to change, then fine, skip to the youtubes.

GOSSIP GIRL TRUTH ALERT BELOW!

____________________________________________________________________________________

I watched some Gossip Girl. Here's the scoop, so you know why you're not watching it:

It is poorly written and acted. It makes Lost look like Short Cuts, The Sopranos like Goodfellas. Plus they REALLY rip-off "Sex in the City" while the corpse of its legacy is still warm from the tanning bed. Imagine a show set on an island told through flashbacks, the year after "The Lost Movie" gets panned worldwide.

The real "GG" pushed me down a youtube rabbit hole for an hour tonight...here's some Grilling It TV:







Sorry to all the Indians who watched the last clip. Also, to fans of television, please don't be offended that in the British pre-make of the ABC hit "The Office" they called Jim: "Tim." Both names are awesome, just like Indians.

Update From The Wiz

MAN IN PREVIOUS POST...

NOT A REAL WIZARD!

Festive Police Zap Wizard

I probably would've been watching a band, rushing to a stage, or in a beverage line instead of peeping some stripping wizard. Regardless...this video is far out. The dude yelling "Freedom of speech holmes" is missing the point that you can't really show a crowd of people your wedding tackle at a Hullabalooza with a thick police presence.

Still, I'm shocked (no pun intended-o) that the fuzzles would so gratuitously taze someone who was non-violent and didn't run away. In Vancouver, when they do that, the perp dies.

One schmohawk gawker starts yelling "The world is watching" as if that's going to un-tazer the nude mage. The thick neck Oakley jock cop is going to go: "Oh really, this will be on youtube? I just wanna give a shout out to all the boys at Precinct 518! Hi Mom, how's the lumbago? Honey, just put my stroganoff in the oven on low, I'll have it when I get this nude wizard that I just assaulted processed at the station..."

Take a look:


Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

The pan across the front row of staring, placid, festival goers was even creepier than the miniscule johnson on the spellcaster.

STILL

Wizards dispense electricity not receive it. In my world, they still do.

Awaiting a take from our resident Wizard in the comment section.

PUBLIC ENEMY - Long and Whining Road

A part of me cries out that a Ras Trent wizard like that was neglecting the haze of fog and smoke and the flowing garments in which Wizards are customarily found...for a reason...

You Don't Really Care For Music, Do Ya?

If you read this site on the regular, you know how we feel about OLD ROCKERS

Tonight...The real poet laureate of Canada comes to my Island, and I am pumped.

I can't wait to sing, "Take me toooooo the slaughterhouse, I will waaaaaaait there with the laaaaaambs!" With mother, of course.

Just A Minute

Preview of things to come. Like a preview of Matrix 12, or Ladybugs 2.

Sinclair's one-minute Beverly Hills Cop, or as I call it:

Bananas Hills Cop



THE HOOSIER HOT SHOTS - We Love Bananas Because They Have No Bones

Handle Money, Drive A Car

Respect to computer wizard Ghostdad for this very good video. Grilling It Video Entertainment up in full effect when there's something to promote.


RRROLL IT! from Ghostdad on Vimeo.

Long Weekend

Good Friday is an anagram of "I For Dog Day"



Happy Holidays and Long Weekend to my Jews, and wasp or otherwise lovers of chocolate and brunch with varying degrees of Jesus in their past (or who will sit through an hour of anything for their Grandmother).

"Jesus died for somebody's sins...but not mine"
-Patti Smith

PATTI SMITH - GLORIA

The Mingus CAT-alog

Bass legend Charles Mingus created a manual for the toilet training of cats. His cat was apparently named "Nightlife" which is an unassailably awesome name for a cat. Give it a read below, it has gold like this in it:

"When he jumps up he will not be afraid of the hole because he expects it. At this point you will realize that you have won. The most difficult part is over."

The Charles Mingus CAT-alog



If I had a cat I would name it Lance Dubowitz or maybe CC. I like naming pets after humans, and specifically after your buddies. The Wiz (bad name for a pet cause of pee) had a dog growing up named Howard, and Howard was one of his Dad's buddies. Everytime you go to your buddies place, the pet is named after you. You see how well this works, dear reader. Good clean fun for troubled times.



At 3:00 in the following video, Jeru rolls a Mingus sample beat by Primo down the hill and into the river.

RFUS II

Internet Music is a fountain of nostalgia. Put both hands and ears in this spray of classics and driiiiiink. Jams fromt he 1990's that will sound good until your nineties.

Radio Friendly Unit Shifter 09'



Brought to you by the radtastic daily must read @ Mishka

Briefing

If I were writing for a weekly local rag I would begin with: "Local funnyman, Dave Morris proves that less-is-MORE-is with his new very short stories..." But this is no local rag, this is a website for discerning surfers, so I make with the earnest blurbery.

Comedian homies have been lighting up the net this week. For Monday, take a break and dig in to the 140 character or less very short stories by British Columbian poet, lover, actor, teacher, smoker, friend, rapper, beatbox and storyteller "Sweet Sweet Dave Morris."

Here's my favourite, I'd call it "Landing Your Dreams" which would also be good if it were about a skateboarder, but it's about a sea captain, Dave:

"The sea was a swell of seaweed and salt, when the captain finished the rum. Like the sea, he could not be tamed. Like the waves, he crashed."

Dave's Very Short Stories

That Extemporaneous Impious Nu-Tv

My homeboy Legalese throwing it, for the Sunday set.



The Improv Monologue Project

Krispy Kreme in Victoria Station is an oasis in the arrid survival-based rush of London communting.

Do You Feel?

Mischevious or pious or impious...impish, even...

FEELING WELL!

The Weekend needs JAM

JESSE ROSE - Well Now

GO DEEEEEEEEEP!

Kicking It Like We Think It's Dead!

Good Afternoon gang. Everyone excited for the weekend? Good. Nice, nice. I know I am.

My cousin Tidy reminded me of this today as she facebook tweeted that "her life has become Office Space" You can watch the clip in a second, but first...



Friday is about the classics. Every Friday is an INSTANT classic. If you work Friday nights, let that gig be temporary. The world turns that bit better on the weekend.



Admittedly, my day job is the following two clips.





First weekend in April 2009, let's do this:

Eat Another Piece of Bread

I'm not ripping Trout Mask Replica, Safe As Milk or any of that other awesomely titled Captain Beefheart shit (wow, this guy is good, max effort and Sunday bests curse word choices), but this list of his has me bugging out like "Ohhh yeah." Yes, that was just journalism what you read back there. It's called a "lede:"

Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing

1. Listen to the birds.
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar Your guitar is a divining rod.
Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key
That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty-making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.

8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

LORETTA LYNN - Have Mercy (Produced by Jack White)

Shout out to stringed instruments, I'd blog paragraphs more, but, you know:

Rock is dumb.

110%

As the Iced Canes NHL season is almost over, expect a rise in both hockey and humour in this end of the internet.

King Dube sent me a video that is way too rude for this family site (it involved unprotected bumsex, hockey and an ambiguously trangendered barfly), but here's one that is short and hilarious.

We Need Change

Last night's Juno Awards (Canadian Grammy's/Canadian Bafta's for Music) are being hailed as a major victory for Vancouver because Nickelback won everything and they cut to many shots of Sarah Mcglauchlan, Brian Adams and Mike Buble. They are tugging Vancouver's wagon around in the media, happy that Canadian music chose to celebrate mediocrity.



For the record. This blog is owned by residents of Vancouver Island. Proudly making fun of Nickleback since circa 1997.

THE WHITEST BOY ALIVE - Island

I'm reading the Globe and listening to CBC moaning, "Why Juno Why?"

Juno's all like: "Dude, I can't explain."

Cover-Up # 1

A salute to mediocre records sheathed in amazing artwork.

Y&T - Down For The Count (1985)

The record was a rushed, soft eighties hair metal effort, but...the cover is Dracula on a downtown balcony about to sink his teeth into a sexy lady robot.




Here's the best work of art ever made about vampires:

WITCH'S HAT - Glodyany 1972

Pop Promos

The weirdest thing happened to me tonight. As I was flipping the TV to the watch-a-movie setting I saw, you're never gonna believe this:

A MUSIC VIDEO ON A MUSIC VIDEO CHANNEL. A music video that is perfect length, style, tune, it's all good:



Then they switched to that Weezy vocoder rock song and I put on the movie. I could hate on Weezy's video, but I'd rather give him credit

Slamdance Convertible Music

Found this on twitter.com/RAEKWONVOICEWATER

Rae + Jada + RUSH SAMPLE = FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Raekwon & Jadakiss - Untitled Internet Joint?

Don't forget http://twitter.com/jaypeecue

Soon, The Rumpus

I know the line is "I'm wearing fur pajamas," but I always liked when I thought it was:

"I'm ready now, for pajamas."
-David Byrne

TALKING HEADS - Wild Wild Life (Pajamas or vaginas Extended Mix)

The Last Post

Hey readers. The epic Gordon Lightfoot/Harlequin romance post got cut by the censors. Weak. Sorry about that. It was the Johnny Cash cover mp3 of "If You Could Read My Mind" that offended them.

It would be a shame for the record biz to lose the sale of one mp3 by a struggling artist like Johnny Cash.

I Don't Even Own A Television

I've been compiling music of the 1930's for a theatrical production. It's awesome to spend time with my homies Bingo and Fats, but I still find myself walking around the house going "elevator!"

Watch the video to see why.

Viddy Well

Hey gang,

Things have been busy over here, coming back to life.

I've been writing jokes and jokes and jokes and remembered how hilarious this show is. Fully worth the thirty minutes of your laptop/phone/desktop's life.

"Time Trumpet" episode 1. Devised by Armando Ianucci

Time Trumpet S01 E01
by dizzyman

Kicked The Bucket

NOLA pioneer Eddie Bo has passed on.

The mp3 is trapped elsewhere, but for now, here's one of the best songs of all time, words to live by, just pure excellent groovy beauty with a brain.



Over here we're shaving beards and pursuing lucrative day jobs. Doing a good check on it.

Chuckles

Michael Ian Black Reviewed Charles Manson. Here's a clip:

"For forty years, Charles Manson has been America’s pre-eminent bogeyman, the guy we turned to when we got sick of Oprah and just wanted a lil’ Evil. And for all that time, he’s given us exactly what we asked for: eye rolling, finger wagging, head twitching, mouth frothing. For forty years, the guy couldn’t open his mouth without something creepy falling out.

He was the Cal Ripken Jr. of crazy.

Now though, he’s in his mid-seventies, long past the age when most nutjobs hang up their straitjackets, and it’s clear his heart just isn’t in it anymore."

Read the rest @ "Manson - Not Handsome"

Here's a video Michael Ian Black stole from youtube.com, we're stealing it back...



By the way. I wouldn't know about this without the tip from:

twitter.com/jaypeecue from @MichaelIanBlack.



"Manson" a film from The Ben Stiller Show

FYI, movie buffs, The Ben Stiller Show was co-created by Judd Apatow of "Freaks and Geeks" superfame and had "Scary Movie 2's" David Cross on the writing staff.



Here are a few folk songs by pre-rampage Charles Manson.

"Sick City" is a tight, strange, antsy, frustrated downtown folk burner. The point being that most people just watch TV and drink their beer, and that this pattern of behaviour is not positive. You can hear how much fun they're having. Silly hippies, a few bad trips down the road from mass murder. Plus when he sings "sick, sick, sick" it totally sounds like "6-6-6." You don't even need to play the mp3 backwards.

CHARLES MANSON - Sick City

"Don't Do Anything Illegal" by Charles Manson with the title so ironic I laughed aloud. It expresses much dissatisfaction with always needing to have ID. On this issue I agree with Charlie.

CHARLES MANSON - Don't Do Anything Illegal

I was looking for photos of Dave Manson in a Jets jersey, they all sucked, but I found this. They cover LOTS of ice, if you need to defend hockey fights with the "Waltz Defense(c)" this would be good evidence.



Then I found a site that breaks down most of the major players in the history of hockey. In piss-poor, borderline embarassing fucking English.

http://winnipegjetslegends.blogspot.com/
http://www.greatesthockeylegends.com/

Check it oooooooot.

Charles Manson would not be scared of Dave Manson, he might even say "Ok, you're a goon, but what's a goon to a GOBLIN.



In case any of you kids were thinking about murder as a career path, remember:

Breaking into HIS house and killing HER! That is so wrong. No matter how mad you get at the man, the sheep, the cops, the judge, the boss, the prof, the system, the jocks, the bus, the taxman, the gasman or the fast man...

Do not murder. Imagine how dope their kids would've been...